Interview

ON BEING THE BARONESS…

How would you describe yourself, if someone had never heard of you before (absurd of course, but hypothetically speaking)?

Simply unforgettable! Love me or loath me, the word “indifferent” will not enter your vocabulary. If that’s not enough, then here’s a little more.

I was born in Berlin, grew up in Rio de Janeiro, ‘finished’ in Switzerland and then shocked my family by embarking on an international acting, singing and dancing career. Whilst singing in a nightclub I met, and soon after married, Baron Tenny von Reefenhausen. Two years later we divorced (but I kept the title) and I married a very wealthy Italian called Fabrizio. He died tragically in a light aircraft accident, leaving everything to me. I have always loved the stage and screen – I open the fridge door, the light comes on, and I take a bow – and have continued to enthral my fans around the world. The rest, as they say, is history.

Over the last few years you’ve been lying low. Are you looking forward to being in the limelight again? And what have you been up to till now?

I have never been out of it, just depends which country you had in mind. As for “lying low”, the question is, under what or under whom have I been lying? Some interesting faces spring to mind…just can’t put a name to them. I have also spent some time working on chapter one of my memoirs, which has left me emotionally exhilarated and exhausted…and at the end of the chapter I have only reached age 9!

Your past is sprinkled with scandal, are you prepared to have all your skeletons brought out of the closet by the press again?

Darling, most of my skeletons have turned to dust and can be found in some somber family vaults on the east banks of the river Rhine. If the press should attempt to wrench open some closet, they will probably find themselves in the role of old Mother Hubbard.

There have been rumours in the past that you may have had something to do with the demise of your husband. Cruel and no-doubt unfounded, but how do you respond?

My first husband, Tenny, the German baron is alive and well and living in Berlin. I believe that he is “seeing” an Australian sheep-farming heiress. She is tall and rather fond of wearing yellow. (A difficult colour when one is not a natural blonde). I have nicknamed her Mary. You know, Mary had a little lamb…Husband number two was Fabrizio del Castano, and the investigation into the accident concluded that it was pilot, human error. Let’s just say that his little error contributed to my large fortune, and leave it at that.

Is it true that you write a sex advice column?

Yes I do write a column. It’s for a website called mambaonline.com, where I give my advice to people whose personal lives and relationships are floundering. And given that sex is so much part of life, I inevitably end up suggesting that they close the doors and open their legs, rather than closing their flies and opening the bottle! Would this be defined as a sex advice column?

How much are you really worth? Some say that you are appearing on Below the Belt, only because you may have blown your fortune in Europe.

Blown my fortune? What a hoot! Barbara Hutton and I have nothing in common, other than the fact that we both kept suites at The Ritz in Paris.

Vanity Fair recently ran a piece about plastic surgeons to the stars. It was suggested in the article that you might have had a little nip and tuck at some point. Is that true?

Catch me on a bad day, in the wrong moment, at an unfortunate angle, with morning sunlight and without makeup. Your question will be more than adequately answered.

Who would you rather spend an evening with, George Bush or Sadam Hussein?

George is the most powerful man in the world, and they say that power is the strongest and most effective aphrodisiac there is. In his case, it simply isn’t true. I do not think I have ever met a man who is quite so unsexy. But then his wife was a librarian, so perhaps I shouldn’t be too harsh…

Sadam on the other hand is from the Middle East, and those men are renowned for being insatiable sexual beasts. And may I add that their reputation for being extremely well endowed is not a rumour. I am also partial to spicy food and illicit whisky, so given the options and the ingredients; I would say that big in Baghdad wins hands down!

Why do you spend so much time around gay men?

For humour, style and compliments. Very few heterosexual men know the difference between chiffon and tulle. And besides, one can forge such great friendships with gay men without the penis being a problem. But it can be torturous to be in the company of a group of stunning men and know that absolutely nothing is remotely available. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Pour me a Chivas and make it a triple!

Is it true that you auditioned for the title role of the movie version of the musical Evita, only to be beaten out by Madonna?

Utter nonsense! I have never auditioned in my life. People call me and ask. In this case I turned the role down. The poor girl needed a break.

Do you have any regrets about the choices you’ve made in your life?

No. And I do not like the word “regrets”. It implies that one has made the wrong choices, and I don’t believe in that. A choice is a choice and you deal with the consequences, no matter if you end up crucified on an ant heap in Africa, or giving dreary cocktail parties in middle-class society. Edith Piaf’s throaty warblings of having no regrets however, never did much for me. Let’s toast to tomorrow!

Would you describe yourself as a happy person?

Happiness is for pigs. Give them a sty, some mud and a bucket of swill, and they are perfectly happy. We, on the other hand, are not pigs, (though I have met some in my time), and we have choices. We are aware of alternatives. But it is this very pursuit of dreams and a belief that someday happiness will come, which can leave us feeling defeated and depressed. So it is the moment that must be seized, and at this very moment, I am supremely happy!

Continue to part 2