The writings: Agony and Ecstasy

Dear Baroness,

Where do I begin? It’s all so complicated you see. I wonder if you would actually be able to help me. (Sorry for rhyming, it’s like the gay version of “tick” syndrome, I sometimes find myself rhyming without realising it)

It all began last year on Valentine’s Day ironically enough, the day I began my whoring ways and started a relationship with a guy who already was in a relationship. Now I know the first word that pops into your mind is “skank” but try to understand; he was really cute and I ended up falling for him. It wasn’t just infatuation or a fling. Anyway to make a long story short I ended up calling the whole thing off because it became obvious to me that although the guy cared for me, he also loved his boyfriend.

But wait there’s more. Last year on the 30th of Dec I ended up going out with a girlfriend of mine to meet an ex-boyfriend of hers from Belgium. Who as it turns out had a very cute gay brother who was in the country and would be joining us that evening. Well, we really hit it off, and we ended up jumping one another that evening. However once again he has a boyfriend, added to which he really cares about me blah blah blah can’t stop thinking about me blah blah blah. I feel the same way, but at the end of the day I’m left sitting all alone, while he goes off to his boyfriend of eight years, who he’s with even though they have “problems.”

Now I know that it’s really trashy to go after someone else’s boyfriend, but sometimes these things happen. What I would like to know is, how do I not give in to my inner skank and avoid these involved guys who I seem to attract? How do I reset my gaydar to phase out their frequency?

Is there hope for me?

Valentine’s Day has come and gone again and it’s brought back a whole bunch of painful memories. I do not want next year’s one to be the same.

Please help or reprimand accordingly.

‘Valentinephobic’

My dear Valentinephobic,

What a sad letter...always the bridesmaid, and never the bride!

But before I go any further, you will have to educate me and tell me what the meaning of "skank" is? I have looked in every dictionary, but to no avail. I am making the assumption that it is the trendy version of "skunk", and that you have to be reprimanded for giving in to your skunk-like behaviour Bit harsh that, isn't it? I have probably got it hopelessly wrong, so darling please e-mail and enlighten!

So you have been involving yourself with "involved" boys, and now you're sitting all alone and feeling sorry for yourself. And so you should! Going after someone else's boyfriend is not trashy, it's futile. A lesson which I think you have certainly learnt.
You mention that you "began my whoring ways" on Valentine's day last year. Perhaps the word you meant to use was "promiscuous", a far cry from the tough and dangerous profession of whoring.

The question I really need to ask is...were you aware that these boys were in established relationships when you "jumped" them? I mean, the Belgian cutie, for example? Did he tell you that he had a boyfriend of eight years, or did this startling revelation emerge between puffs of the post-coital cigarette? If he did tell you, you are the "skank", if he didn't, well then, he is the "skank".

To quote you..."these involved guys whom I seem to attract". Are you quite sure that it is not the other way round? I know of many people who go for married men, because, knowing that there is no future, it absolves them from all commitment. They enjoy the chase, the seduction, the sex, and then the tragic crocodile tears when this great romance cannot be. That's trashy!

So you need some vigorous self-examination, and in your case, should you find anyone even remotely attractive, check his marital status before that second drink. If you see a ring on his finger...flee!!

By the way, you said that Valentine's Day had brought back painful memories. Careful darling, when one starts to have memories, it is the beginning of dowdiness. And you are far too young for that.

Sweetest kisses from a single!

THE BARONESS.